Stopping the Stigma

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Anonymous, 35

Years Battling: 21

Posted April 22, 2019

"When I was a child, I was mistreated by my mother, both mentally and physically. As a result, I was an aggressive child. By the time I was 14, I started to hurt myself in all possible ways, so that I could not hurt anyone else. I experienced fairly quickly that cutting was the best way. That took away all my pain, all the pain of my past, present, everything that happened around me. I have never been on anything. I always felt differently from the rest. Everywhere I went I heard everything, I took everything in my head and kept it running. Only by cutting me or using drugs could I get it quiet. At home I could not talk about it because I could not go to my parents about it. I have always fought alone against everything I felt. It was not until I was 34 years old that I started looking for professional help because it suddenly went downhill with me. After a number of suicide attempts and admissions in psychiatric hospitals, and so many sessions and tests later, they have come to the conclusion that I am highly sensitive, have borderline and have 20 personality disorders. If you then talk about your "illness" with people in your immediate environment, you get to hear the same thing again and again: "You have to stop your head, think about the good things in life." Yes, I have not really tried that yet. I do that every day, every day I get up and try to make the best of it.And there are good days, but they do not outweigh all other days. And no matter how difficult it is, I try not to give up. This is the first time I tell this publicly, even if it is anonymous, but there are only a few people in my immediate environment who know this about me. For the rest of the world I see a perfectly normal man. But life is like a book, you can not judge it on its cover."