Stopping the Stigma

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Anonymous, 21

Years Battling: 4

Posted June 25, 2019

"Pretty much all my problems started after my father passed away ago, which not only completely changed my life but also broke my heart. Not only did I have to suffer from the grief of having lost my father at 14, only one day after I discovered he had cancer, but also my family started having financial problems where we didn’t know if we were going to be able to stay in our apartment, pay for my school, etc. My mother and my little sisters were a complete mess and I tried to help them as much as I could, so they would cry almost everyday and I would just sit down and let my mom cry on my arms and comfort her but I refused to cry. I did cry in the first month, but after that it's almost as if my body just shut down so I could try and help my family. I didn't want to show vulnerability, and how I was also sad and broken, I was trying to help them the most I could. Nowadays this became a really bad habit to not have a healthy way of letting out my emotions and always keeping them inside. Nobody in real life even knows about this because i just find it somewhat embarrassing, I'm the kind of person who will always say she's okay no matter what, and who is used to putting on a fake smile even when everything's going in the wrong direction; and so admitting these problems in real life and admitting something is wrong is just very very hard for me, since I’ve always been under constant pressure of showing my family I’m okay and I like pretending I’m strong, since I never wanted my mother to worry about me. I think my biggest problem at home was dealing with my mother because she doesn’t believe depression is real. She thinks just because I’m able to get out of my bed everyday, that means I’m okay and that I’m not depressed, she doesn’t understand the effort I do every single day, and I can’t bring myself to tell her about the more serious things because I don’t want her to worry about me. I tried convincing her to let me take medication, because I was in a point so low that I had given up in being strong enough to get better alone, and she was extremely unsupportive about it, calling me a druggie and saying I need to face things and not try and take the easy way out. So clearly mom and I have very very divergent opinions (even though after some time I was able to convince her), and she doesn't quite know how to deal with my depression. For now, I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, like one of my favorite quotes says, you can endure (almost) anything for ten seconds, so 'just take it ten seconds at a time, everything will be okay'."